Respect Goes Both Ways

I was thinking the other day about kids asking "Why?" The typical (half-joking) answer is, "Because I said so." But "Why?" isn't a bad question. And, "Because I said so," isn't always a bad answer.

According to Dr. James Dobson, there are three types of parenting: permissive, authoritarian and authoritative.

Permissive parents essentially say, "the child rules". Sometimes he rules simply because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to set boundaries. Sometimes he rules because Mom and Dad are afraid of losing a child's affection or feeling guilty because of hardships in a child's life. A child asking "Why?" and refusing to obey without knowing why and parents always having a reasonable answer for that question (or feeling that they must have one) is a hallmark of permissive parenting.

Authoritarian parents rule by "Because I said so." "Because I said so" is the only reason they ever need for whatever they want their children to do. Once again, sometimes, this is because Mom and Dad don't want to take the trouble to communicate their reasoning to their children. Sometimes it's because they don't want to do the self-examination that any other answer would require. Sometimes, they rule by "Because I said so" in an honest desire to teach their children to submit to authority.

A child brought up by purely permissive parenting will grow up without boundaries and live in fear that there is no one bigger than they - no one guarding them from the world, which they inherently understand is a big and dangerous place. The anger that these children often exhibit is actually a defense mechanism to hide fear.

A child brought up by authoritarian parenting will also live in fear. But they will be afraid because they don't understand why they are supposed to do or not do things and will have no judgment as to how to make their own decisions. They will always look to the authoritarian parent to make those decisions for them, even as adults.

Authoritative parents answer the question "Why?" as often as they can. But sometimes, the answer is, "Because I said so." When a two-year-old has no other response to anything you tell him but, "Why?", he is probably not actually looking for the answer to his question. However, you need to know "Why" you are asking him to do whatever you are asking him to do. And ultimately, the answer to that is, "Because I said so"!

You see, God did put you in authority over your children, to give them boundaries, but also to give them encouragement and the tools they need to be wise, decision-making adults one day. So, the answer to every "Why?" starts with "Because God put me in charge and I love you and want the best for you and making the bed is a small piece of responsibility that you can take and develop discipline to become a wise, successful adult." How's that for an answer to the question, "Why?"

There are occasions when we don't have time to answer "Why?" At those times, a respectful child will accept "Because I said so." But using "Because I said so" because a parent is too tired or lazy to come up with a reason is not respectful to the child. The most successful families are run with respect required on the part of both the parents and the children.

If you are ever stuck on the fence, not knowing whether you should lean toward "Because I said so," or toward answer the question, "Why?" Dr. Dobson always recommends leaning towards being permissive. More damage is done by screwing a child into place than by trusting him and giving him space.

Why Do We Have All This Junk?

No answers today, just observations.

I have been packing to move for two months. In the process, I have pitched or given away bags and boxes of stuff, found projects that needed finishing and things that needed cleaning. Why did it take moving to deal with all of the extraneous stuff around the house?

The first homeschool conference we attended in 1993, the McKim family was speaking. They used to be popular homeschool speakers who, at the time, had fourteen children and I think they had more after we heard them speak. I saw one of her daughter on Say, Yes to the Dress: Atlanta a couple of years ago, getting married for the first time at the age of 45. Mrs. McKim had a workshop on home organization that was a squooshed-down version of an entire weekend of home organization talks that left me feeling breathless and inadequate, even accounting for the fact that I was expecting my second child and she had six adult children living at home to do her massive list. it included daily chores (vacuuming), weekly chores (organizing the kitchen towel drawer) and monthly chores (cleaning the garage! Monthly!)

Now, my dear husband doesn't clean. Anything. Except himself. And emergency child cleanup. But, he is very grateful when I do clean. Well, he doesn't like my process (think angry tornado) but he likes the result and tells me so. Personally, I am more of a project person than a maintenance person. If we could afford someone to clean our house regularly, I would hire them simply because I like a clean house but don't enjoy the process of keeping it clean. I just do it because I am so overwhelmed when I let the house get away from me. Since I am the only one moving the house away from chaos, the garage has been cleaned perhaps three times since we moved in thirteen years ago. Maybe.

I have come to love Swiffer dusters. When I have a Swiffer duster in hand, I dust the top of the door frames. I dust lampshades. I dust table legs. I dust the carpet under my bed where the vacuum doesn't reach. Unfortunately, cute little statues, like Precious Moments figurines, and "vignettes" that my Romantic Country magazine advocates, don't take Swiffing well, so there are some places that just don't get dusting. A year ago, I dusted a shelf in the rec room for the first time since we moved in and my sons' naval models were so dusty that the battleships looked as though their decks were covered with tiny people.

I can declutter! It makes everybody very tense. They never know what they're going to have left after I get going. I have a guitar that has been rescued from the trash four times and hidden in various kids' closets until I find it and throw it away again. I cannot convince them that the guy at the guitar store twenty years ago told me it was a lost cause. However, decluttering falls in the project category, not maintenance.

A lady at church when we first got married had been such a terrible housekeeper that she vowed to her ladies' bible study that she was going to put together a home management program and start teaching it. If she could figure it out well enough to teach it, anyone could do it. Her system was, never have more than three items on any flat surface. It makes them much easier to dust. That sounds great. In our next house, I will follow that rule religiously. That also means, large collections should be behind glass. I have a teak storage unit inherited from my father that we call "the Beast" and it has some glass display cases. That's where the plaster models of my ten kids' feet as babies will go so they won't get dusty. Behind glass really works in the fight against dust.

I have discovered Prairie Style magazine. There have only been about 4-6 issues published, by the same people who publish Romantic Country and I have decided this is my style. It is upscale country without the romantic fru-fru. One woman said, "I don't have anything that doesn't have a use or a meaning." That was convicting! How many things do I have because I thought they were "cute" or "cool" but they don't do anything and no one I care about gave them to me. Now, I just need to get on Pinterest and find a project that can turn all the three dimensional $2 tchotchkes my kids gave me into one amazing art piece.